We spend a lot of time pretending to be who we think other people ought to expect us to be – but that pretence is no defence against them criticising us anyway, so what’s the point?
When you forget to pretend
In a live training this week, I described your Core Process as “who you show us as when you forget to pretend to be somebody else”.
Your Core Process is the essence of who you really are when you’re being you at your very best. But we think we’re supposed to fit in with somebody else’s opinion of how we should be. So you can end up playing a role that isn’t really you.
That made me wonder, what is it that happens when we forget to do that pretence?
Looking back over the many people I’ve worked with as a coach, there seem to be two main things that mean we drop the pretence:
- Flow
You get so fascinated by what you’re doing that you don’t remember to pretend. That’s the state that Mikhaly Csikszentmihalyi calls “Flow”. And when you’re in that flow state, you do amazing work. - Safety
You’re in a situation where you feel safe to be who you really are. So you can consciously choose to stop pretending. And guess what happens then? You end up doing amazing work!
I’ve written a lot about the flow state, and in any case Prof Csikszentmihalyi does a far better job of it them me. So what I want to explore now is: what makes people feel unsafe, so you feel you have to pretend?
Not good enough
The first thing anyone will tell you is they fear not being good enough. Because you think other people have more of the answers, you end up trying to be who you think they expect you to show up as.
You start trying to mimic some guru in your field, who seems to be making it all work. But of course, you’re not them, so what works for them probably isn’t right for you. And that means you aren’t doing it as well as they do – you’re not good enough!
So all that pretence is no defence, of course you’re not good enough at being somebody you’re not! But what if you made the choice to be superb at being you?
Too weird
All of my clients are a little bit unusual. That’s why I love working with you guys!
Your special way of accessing and delivering Genius means of course there will be some people who just don’t ‘get’ you. And that’s fine. The phrase ‘weird and wonderful’ exists for people like you.
In the Barbra Streisand song, The Woman in The Moon (from the first remake of A Star is Born), there’s a wonderful line:
“They believed that strange was a word for wrong … well not in my song!”
It goes on to say: “You and I are changing that tune, we’re learning new rhythms from that woman in the moon.” What new rhythms can you learn from the Universe if you step fully into Genius?
Pretending to be normal just isn’t going to work. Even if you can pull it off, truly, that pretence is no defence against judgemental people – they’re going to judge you anyway.
The important thing to remember is, the people who think you’re too weird are all rather boring. So they’re probably not going to engage you anyway, no matter how hard you pretend to be like them. And even if they did, they’d be a right pain to work with.
Don’t you deserve better than that?
Our greatest fear
But actually, I think that what’s holding you back is not the fear of being too odd. Nor even the fear of not being good enough.
I think it’s that Marianne Williamson quote:
“Our greatest fear is not that we are powerless; our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”
You may ask, well why would anyone be afraid of being brilliant at something? It won’t surprise you to know I have a theory about that.
No more excuses!
Pretending to be someone you’re not is a great way to avoid stepping into Genius. While you can pretend to be not good enough, or that you’re afraid of being thought a bit odd, you can keep yourself safe.
But if you own up to your Genius, you’re going to have to do something with it.
We all have a special job to do here on this wonderful planet, while you’re here on your human journey. And if you don’t do that thing that you’re here for, something will be lost, to the whole of humanity.
Sorry to put that on you, but it’s true.
All that pretence is no defence
So please, drop the pretence. It’s not a defence, it just makes the not good enough thing actually true.
Instead, screw up your courage, figure out what’s really special about you, and go share your weird and wonderful version of Genius with the people who are desperately looking for it.
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